The Iltâr are a people of great longevity (many live into their third century), and their interests and associations may shift many times over the course of a lifetime. No particular relationship assumes a role of centrality in the culture, the way that the nuclear or extended family or marriage often does in other societies. The Iltâr solemnize a wide range of different relationships, called bondings (ñerniasenel), which place certain responsibilities on the participating parties for a fixed span of time. In principle, a bonding can be done to recognize any specific relationship the parties devise for themselves, although in practice most bondings fall into one of several traditional forms, detailed here.
The bond of parenting (ñernias âmphasenler) makes one or more adults responsible for the care and upbringing of a child. Although the parenting bond is often taken on by the child's biological parents around the time of birth, other arrangements were also practiced, and not deemed unusual or inferior. Other adults might be brought into the bond, making them full co-parents (a relationship much closer than that of "godparents" in our own culture), or one or both biological parents might choose not to take on the bond. Parenting bonds were not infrequently assumed by other relatives of the child or by friends of the parents. The intention of this flexibility was to allow the child to be matched with the adults who were most capable and motivated to serve as parents. The word âmphas, when used without qualification, always refers to an adult who has assumed the parental bond. A biological parent, in the rare cases where such identification was required, was usually referred to as âmphas miemalânsa.
The parental obligation lasts for a period of one saros cycle, 18 years. During this time the parent is responsible for feeding, clothing, and sheltering the child, and for overseeing the child's education and socialization. The child's responsibility is remain with the parent, and to respond to the parent's guidance respectfully. There is no expectation of strict or slavish obedience, but capricious rebelliousness was sanctioned. Parental responsibilities are carefully monitored by the priesthood and by the parent's other bondmates.
The parental bond is marked by a very festive ceremony around the time of the child's birth; any time within three moons of the child's birth date is considered normal. If someone assumes parental responsibility later in the child's life, the bond is still technically for 18 years, although in most cases the parent and child would voluntarily dissolve the bond around the time of the child's 18th birthday. The releasing of the parenting bond is also marked with a ceremony, a sort of "coming of age" for the child, which is somewhat more serious, though not somber.
The bond of loyalty (ñernias siphphêña) unites extremely close friends in bonds of mutual trust and support. These relationships were of great importance to the Iltâr. The duration of the bond ss two saros cycles, 36 years. The bondmates are required to treat each other with impeccable respect (a single act of gossip or thoughtless criticism would have to be carefully accounted for and resolved in the presence of a priest). This bond also requires the bondmates to come to one another in need, to share all pertinent personal news once each moon (at least), and to handle the other's affairs in the event of death.
The bond of partnership (ñernias thenînanenler), also for 36 years, makes two or more people responsible for each others' duties, essentially functioning as a single person with respect to their outer obligations. This is handled in different ways, depending on the parties involved and the circumstance. For example, if one became partnered with someone who had previously taken on a parenting bond, one might actively participate in the raising of the child, serve as a "backup" when needed, or defer completely to the original parent, except if the latter became incapable of fulfilling the parental duties. Partners were expected to make all important decisions as a unit.
The bond of love (ñernias namiriritsa) is the only life-long bond in Iltârer society. The bondmates promise to share a loving empathy, responding to each others' needs (in any area, and regardless of how those needs may change over time) with generosity, attention, and kindness. This is a bond not taken lightly, and entered into only rarely, ususally between people already very mature in life.
The domestic bond (ñernias athna) establishes cohabitation for a period of 2 years. The parties devise their own distribution of responsibilities for domestic chores, expectations of privacy and use of time, etc. It is customary for parents and children to establish a domestic bond beginning at age 9, to teach the child responsibility for the shared space of the home.
The bond of friendship (ñernias nathanenler) is also for a duration of 2 years, and is used to mark that the parties enjoyed each others' company and regularly share pleasant activities, such as dining, walking, talking, or playing games. The responsibilities of the bond were minimal: respect (though more flexible than in the case of the loyalty bond), honesty, reliability, and to maintain a position of neutrality (at least) with respect to any disputes the other might become engaged in.
The bond of sex (ñernias merirêsa) is for a duration of two years and marks the individuals as having an ongoing sexual intimacy. The intention of the bond is to make the individuals responsible for the biological and emotional consequences of sexual activity. For example, in the event of a pregnancy, the bondmates would be responsible for arranging (ideally in advance) for adults to assume the parenting bond. The bondmates are expected to show patience and goodwill toward each other in addressing emotional issues, and to avoid potentially volatile situations such as jealousy, manipulativeness, and rejection.
The bond of counseling, or the bond of empathy (ñernias namirêsa) is, like the parenting bond, an asymmetrical one: it established one person as the confidant for another. This bond is unusual in that the parties cannot share any other bond: indeed, its original role was to provide one with objective guidance regarding difficulties with other bondmates. This later expanded to included counseling/listening in areas unrelated to relationships, although relationship counseling remains at the core of the bond. The counselor has responsibilities of confidentiality, objectivity, and good intent. The person being counseled has responsibilities of respect, gratitude, and honesty. The bond is of 1 year duration.
The bond of work (ñernias ciñalatâsa) commits individuals to work together to achieve a common purpose, for a period of 1 year or 8 years. It is the closest thing in the Iltâr culture to the concept of "employment", but is a symmetrical relationship, and hence fully collaborative. The responsibilities of the bondmates are to apply themselves with diligence, make collaborative decisions, and share the rewards of labor fairly.
The bond of guild membership (ñernias papînasenler) is for three saros cycles (54 years). The guilds are the intellectual societies of the Iltâr, and for many people are the chief creative and social outlet. Guild members are responsible for attending meetings, contributing creatively (at least yearly), and helping with the practical tasks of guild administration and projects (such as publishing, correspondence, etc.)
The bond of mentoring (ñernias pîmenenler) is for one saros cycle (18 years). The role of the mentor is to gently guide a seeker toward wisdom, by asking probing questions, sharing perspective, and suggesting areas of study. It seldom involves the direct teaching of knowledge or skills. People generally seek mentoring after their children are raised and they begin the long middle years of life. Mentors are typically quite aged, and so seekers were typically responsible for performing chores and attending to some of the mentor's mundane needs: preparing meals, keeping the mentor's home in repair, etc.
The bond of teaching (ñernias pahtinithamersa) is for 6 years. This is formal instruction in an academic subject or the arts. At least one day per week is spent in instruction. The student is responsible for completing all learning tasks given by the teacher, and additionally provides the teacher with food (or comparable compensation) for each day of instruction.
Participation in any of the bonds is generally without restriction with respect to the age, gender, or number of the participants. Pre-existing bonds do not, in themselves, constrain one's entry into more bonds of the same or different type. In practice, of course, careful consideration is given to the wisdom of a person taking on a new bond, including its effects on existing relationships.
Out-of-bond relationships or connections are not strictly forbidden, and in fact most bonds are taken on after a suitable out-of-bond trial phase. Out-of-bond relationships are understood to be completely without responsibilities or expectations, however, and this is deemed very unwise and potentially dangerous over the long term. Once the bonding ritual is performed, the responsibilities assumed by both parties become a matter of public knowledge and are monitored by the community.
Bonds may be dissolved by mutual agreement at any time, although premature dissolution for the "wrong" reasons (immaturity, failure to foresee consequences, contentiousness) are quite damaging to one's reputation.
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Copyright © 2004 Tom Little